A rough day

I know I am loved.
I know I am loved.

But I desire more than just head knowledge.

I need to feel it.

--

Oh, it is days like today that make me feel so insecure.
Lord, I know that I need people in my life,
but that is scary. It seems like I put myself out there,
but maybe from another person's persepective,
I am just aloof. And then I just feel alone.

Wow, my personality is so complicated.

--

I sure wish that handsome man would call me...
and then I think, "why"? Are you wanting to be married?

yes, and no, and mostly yes, but a scared, vulnerable no.
And then you have only known him for a month, but I do not want to date anybody just because, so that thought is totally valid. I am in no rush, but wouldn't date him if I didn't think it was going anywhere. But then, he isn't into titles. So what the heck is going on?What does that mean?

Except now he is calling way less. This makes me second guess everything. But it has gotten me in the word  more. And that is valuable to me.

--

and then the bible study, which was fun and exciting, but you started saying 3 different things, and were cut off each time. I just want to be known. I just want to be known.

Soul, why are you so sad?

--

What has really been eating me up though is that I know my mom loves me. But it doesn't feel like it.

--

Jesus, I need your help. Please, won't you just help me?
(the bible says I am your bride. Yes, you traded your life so I could live! And that is enough, and maybe this is heretical, but I don't care, because I am your bride, so I can say what I think. I am not satisfied with this feeling of you being far away from me. Please come home.)

I know you love me,
I know you love me,
I know you love me.
I know you know me!

I could really use your company right now, but it would be nice if you had skin on.